I am so sorry. I am so tired. I just want to sleep for a while. Please forgive me. Tell Kensi and Grace that I love them VERY much. Tell my mom and dad that I love them to. I love you Matt — I am so sorry for the past few weeks. I want to give Kassidy a hug. I need to feel her again. Please continue to be the great Dad to our little girls. Love them every day for me.
I am sorry. I love you.
Yup, that's it. That's the note Matt claims Kari typed up before she took her own life and left her girls, entire family, students and friends forever and ever, Amen. You gotta be kidding me!?! I got more descriptive and lengthy notations than that from Kari sent home on my son's homework papers. Kari was such a passionate and lively, loving woman. I heard her talk about her girls. I saw her adoration for them with my own eyes. If she was planning on leaving this earth, she would not have left this staccato, disconnected, robotic (with a misspelling) note as her legacy. Never. Not to mention this: If you had come to realize recently that your husband was having an affair and possibly trying to kill you....would you make the focus of your note how much you love HIM, thanking HIM for being such a great Dad to your daughters, apologizing to HIM twice and asking HIM for forgiveness? It is so obvious that a woman did not write this note. It's a complete farce.
The note has been posted on another blog that I found a few months ago. It's a fascinating blog called Eyes for Lies. I know many of you have already found this blog because I've gotten numerous emails from people wanting to make sure I was aware of it. This woman is "dead on" with her observations.
When I read Kari's suicide note (shown in the post below) for the very first time, I was immediately struck by how short the note was, the lack of an explanation as to why she was committing suicide, the lack of feelings that would normally be expressed by a woman, and the statement "I just want to sleep for a while".
The statement "I just want to sleep for a while" is a statement that you might hear if someone is in denial, or can't face the consequences of what they are considering doing. It is something someone might say to another if they are contemplating suicide, but can't face it, or say it.
If one is in denial about committing suicide, and acts on an impulse to kill themselves (like jump over a bridge), you won't find a suicide note left behind because in their denial they wouldn't be able to sit down, and write their good-byes.
But if one leaves a note, we can be sure the person was well thought out in their decision to leave us, and had accepted the outcome, and there was no denial. With that, I would expect direct verbiage in a suicide note that the person is finished, doesn't want to go on, doesn't want to live anymore in some form or fashion. I would not expect a person to write a denial statement like we see in Kari's note. One who commits suicide doesn't go to "sleep for a while". To me, these words suggest a big contradiction in behavior that is not logical given the circumstances.
And I want to highlight a comment left on that blog because I think this person is quite astute in their thoughts about this note as well.
Just more points to ponder.
As usual, Eyes, you have nailed a crucial discrepancy. You are incredible. You are so amazing and yet so dependable!
This was the first thing that jumped out at me, too: "I just want to sleep for a while." Why apologize so much ("I am so sorry," "I am sorry," Please forgive me") if your stated intention in taking a bottle of sleeping pills (pills which for some reason won't be found in your stomach at your autopsy) is merely to sleep "for awhile" because you are "so tired?"
And why does this note begin by giving the motive of being "so tired" and wanting "to sleep for a while?" when it becomes clear a couple of sentence later that the writer obviously actually intends for the motive to appear to be an obsessive, implacable, desperate desire to be with her child who died seven years before? The other thing that rings so terribly false about this note for me is how badly it fails at expressing a mother's heart towards her children, both living and dead.
Matt would have us believe that Kari's unrelenting anguish about Kassidy's death had brought her to the point of being willing to abdicate her love and obligation to her two living daughters, by deliberately choosing to leave them forever bereft of their mother; her beautiful living daughters (daughters whom she could "feel" and "give a hug" any time she wanted); all for the uncertain, dubious chance to do so with Kassidy again. Does this sound even remotely plausible?
As any mother can tell you, knowing the pain of losing one child would make a woman keenly aware of the unbearable pain her living children would be left with, if either parent were to die suddenly. She would simply not be likely to do that to them. She would be even less likely to leave them no other legacy than the (typed, not handwritten!) words, "Tell [them] I love them VERY much." -- Gee, Mom, thanks for going to all the trouble to hold down the shift key while you typed the word "very." That so makes up for the devastating pain of losing you suddenly and being abandoned by you for the rest of our lives!
If Kari's desperation to be reunited with Kassidy forever -- leaving aside for now what her actual religious beliefs may have been on this score -- was a motive for killing herself, wouldn't her note have contained much more passionate language regarding this hoped-for eternal reunion, than the lame, "I want to give Kassidy a hug. I need to feel her again?" "Give her a hug?" A mother longing to see her baby would be much more likely to express the intense longing to "hold her close to me, hold her in my arms, hold her to my heart," or just "hold her." Forgive me for possibly sounding insensitive, but the concept of giving someone a hug -- seems far too remote and mild to be the goal of a desperate,obsessed mother about to take her own life, in my opinion.
And, this is harder to explain, but "I need to feel her again" is an expression of what the grown-up; the parent; wants. Once again setting aside what Kari's religious beliefs may have been regarding physical bodies in the hereafter -- she "needs" to have physical contact with her long-lost baby daughter. It seems vaguely
self-centered somehow. Wouldn't the mother's thoughts be more along the lines of the baby's being alone and motherless, and needing the comfort and presence of the mother? As in "I want to go to Kassidy and comfort her and never leave her?"
or at least "be with her forever" or something like that?The child had experienced so much pain and suffering and fear in her short life on earth. Wouldn't the mother have alluded to the joy and lack of suffering in the afterlife?
And why leave it to Matt to "tell my mom and dad that I love them to (sic)?" Why not just address them directly in your note: "Mom and Dad, I love you?"Did you notice that the note says "my mom and dad," rather than "Mom and Dad?" In Matt's mind, he would be "Dad (with a capital D)," and Kari's parents would be "your mom and dad," or "her mom and dad."
And didn't one of the stories mention Kari having a brother that she loved dearly? What about grandparents? Friends? Her beloved students from school? Sunday school students? etc? Why isn't anyone else mentioned in this note?Could it be because it was written by a shallow, emotionless sociopath, instead of a devoted, admirable young mother and wife?
As other have pointed out, the focus of the note is almost entirely upon Matt. Did you notice this: There is one single "I love them" for the two little girls to share between them for the rest of their lives. There is one single "I love them to" for her two parents to share between them for the rest of their lives. There are no "I love you's" at all to anyone else in Kari's life, but --Matt somehow rates *two* "I love you's" all to himself in this note! . . . Along with an apology for "the past few weeks" and all the other sorry's and forgive me. Sorry for what? For becoming suspicious that he was having an affair? For wanting him to care about her? For suffering from acute anxiety and distress because she didn't know if their marriage -- which he was destroying -- could be salvaged or not? For suspecting he was planning to kill her? For catching a glimpse of the wolf in sheep's clothing?
Justice. Kari and her family need for the wheels of justice to start turning, pick up some momentum, and set its unwavering, God-driven course for Matt Baker.Full speed ahead.
And On the very day she sailed through an interview for a better job, an opportunity she had expressed hope and excitement about?